Late night TV talk show host David Letterman said it best: "The holidays with my family are like a Taliban civil war with egg nog!"
Kris and her family arrived from Sonoma on Wednesday evening. Kelly, Gary and Whitney arrived later in the evening from Salt Lake City. Stacy and Kaytee were already offended that Grandma had planned a birthday party on Wednesday evening for Tylre (Nov. 22), Gary (Nov. 26) and Whitney (Dec. 1) but had not included Allysa. Our oldest granddaughter's birthday is December 6, but
she lives here. After a week of preparation, the party was cancelled so no one would be offended. On Thursday morning everyone gathered for "the festivities" but within what seemed like minutes of our getting together, Kris had already been offended by not finding her picture on my kitchen calender (despite, she said, sending us many pictures thoughout the year which neither her dad nor I recall receiving). Then the sparks REALLY flew over a comment Kelly made about people on welfare. Immediately after dinner Kris left to go back to Kaytee’s and remained there for two days! Stacy was also noticeably absent, choosing to spend her time after work with Kris. 6-year old Taisley was offended when Grandma hugged EJ "first." Whitney was offended when Kris asked her to take the kids to Fiesta Fun . . . then was
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even more offended when Kris asked her to take Zac home and she had to come back for him. Kendi was offended because her dad didn't call to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving though she didn't call him either. Kaytee was offended by Kelly’s remark that she hoped to see more of Adyn before the baby graduated from high school. Dad and I were offended to hear Stacy had passed all this ugliness along to Michael and Kris took delight in telling us Kelly had several new large tatoos. Needless to say, when the sparks flew they were not the kind of fireworks we had hoped for so I put in earplugs - which offended everybody - and eventually retreated into the bedroom.
These happy pictures of my beautiful family do not tell the true story. This was perhaps the
worst Thanksgiving of my adult life! The awful feelings I experienced were reminiscent of dozens of holidays I have spent with my mother and my Grandpa Bradfo
rd (I have heard enough family stories to know his father was a real piece of work, too!!!) where everyone tip-toed around to avoid saying anything which might set either of them off. My grandfather used to always promise to participate in family holiday celebrations, but at the last minute, he would back out or stomp out because of something someone had said. No matter that it was an innocent comment . . . he took offense. I have prayed for my whole lifetime that this Bradford Curse would miss my family . . . but, try as I might I cannot make everyone happy, nor can I
prevent someone - usually every someone - from being offended in one way or another. It is a pervasive problem and it is literally destroying our family!!!
So I went to the scriptures. In Doctrine and Covenants 42:88 the Savior told his disciples "if thy (brother or) sister offend thee, thou shalt take (him or) her between (him or) her and thee alone . . . that ye might be reconciled." In Romans 16:17, the Apostle Paul taught, "that which causes divisions and offenses (is) contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned. Avoid them!" I also found a great story which illustrates the problem in another way! A man saved his money for many years and made many sacrifices to purchase an expensive luxury car. Finally the day arrived when he had enough
money to purchase it. When he was driving his beautiful new car home, his excitement was interrupted by a thump-thump-thump. He pulled over to the side of the road and discovered a flat tire. "I can’t believe this," he cried as he slammed the car
door. "I spent all this money . . . and for what?"
Without a moment of hesitation, he pulled out a can of gasoline from the trunk, doused the car, and ignited a fire which obliterated the beautiful new luxury car. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Who would destroy a fine car because of one minor problem? Yet many of us allow the little things in any relationship - some we have nurtured for years - to go up in flames because of one careless - often innocent - remark.
Elder Marion D. Hanks asked, "What is our response when we are offended, misunderstood, unfairly and unkindly treated or
when we have been falsely accused, passed over, hurt by those we love, our offerings rejected? Do we resent? Become bitter? Hold a grudge? Or do we resolve the problem so we can forgive and rid ourselves of the burden? The nature of our response to such situations may well determine the nature and quality of our lives, here and into the eternities."
My brother and I are as different as any two siblings could possibly be, yet I count him as one of my very best friends. When it comes to politics or religion, we have long since agreed to disagree, but I love him and, I believe, he loves me! Have I offended him through the years? Probably many times. Has he offended me? You dang betcha, but he is my only brother and I cannot imagine my life without him in it.
And so, my beautiful daughters, after all is said and done . . . you are sisters, but your anger is eating you alive and is impacting your children in many, very negative ways. I know each of you is struggling with very serious personal issues so it seems logical to me you would find strength by leaning on each other in these difficult times. No little difference of opinion should be important enough to destroy your families and drive a wedge between you!!! As your mother, I am begging you . . . please find a way to re-build (or build) a relationship; and, please, please, please . . . stop taking offense!!!
"Please can we have waffles, Grandpa," said a chorus of visiting grandchildren over the recent Thanksgiving weekend. "We love your waffles!"
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